personal development
Christmas Frustrations: 5 Tips to keep your cool with the kids over the holidays
Christmas, as we all know, is rapidly approaching. It's time to spend precious time with loved ones. The last thing you want to be concerned about over the holidays is losing your cool with the kids, letting your frustrations get in the way and making this Christmas one you'll never forget - and not in a good way.
It's common to feel annoyed or on edge over the holidays. After all, as parents, we all feel enormous responsibility to make the time as memorable as possible for our children. This can put us at the whim of our frustrations, rendering all of our stress management and relaxation tactics useless. That is why I wrote today's blog. To serve as a reminder of the benefits of staying calm and 5 Tips to Keep your Cool With the Kids.
How does remaining calm benefit the kids?
Staying calm demonstrates to the child that you may be angry yet you still remain within your "window of tolerance" (a space where you can manage your emotions). It teaches the kids to safely navigate intense emotions. When we aren't calm as parents, we aren't reasonable, and we might frequently join them in what feels like a game of tennis, going backwards and forwards and refusing to let them win, resulting in even more rage and emotional dysregulation.
Getting angry also enables for something known as transference to occur. Have you ever stepped into a room after two individuals had a fight and 'felt the vibe'? Children are like sponges, soaking up our emotions. If we are calm, they are likely to be calmer, if we are anxious they show signs of anxiety, etc.
How does remaining calm benefit you as a parent?
Staying calm permits us to remain in our parasympathetic nervous system, which allows us to access the logical half of our brain. When we are upset, we are in a state of fight, flight, or freeze and are unable to think logically. It enables us to stop playing the game, be empathic, and figure out how to address the problem much faster.
Remaining cool during memorable times such as Christmas will set yourself up for better, calmer behaviour from your children in the future - especially around the same time the year after. This is because your children will remember the incident and correlate your calm response with a win-win situation, motivating them to behave better.
Here are 5 of my top tips to remain calm during the holidays:
Tip 1 - Take time away:
Give yourself 5 minutes. Go and make a cup of tea, glass of water. I love a quick visualisation/ meditation whilst doing this. Create a happy calm, special place you go to in your mind. Practice going there when you are not stressed initially and then take yourself there when you are stressed. (I have a great video for this in my facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/keepgoingyouvegotthis )
Tip 2 - Check your breathing:
Are you breathing from your chest or your tummy. Put one hand on each and take some deep breaths from your tummy. I love 20 conscious connected breaths which means you are taking belly breaths without a break between the in and out breath. This shifts us into our rest and recovery system and switches off the stress responses.
Tip 3 - Find some running water:
Do not underestimate the power of running water. Running hands under some water for a few minutes helps to calm the nervous system.
Tip 4 - Stop the cycle:
If your child is dysregulated (not in control of their emotions often looks blank easy to spot in their eyes) stop trying to rationalise and engage in whatever is causing their distress. They are not able to access logical thinking so you will be going around in circles or escalating arguments.
Tip 5 - Role model:
Once you are calm you can help them find techniques to calm and you have role modelled how to do this effectively.
Need further help managing stress and family life? Check out our individual therapy and coaching page...
Individual Therapy and Coaching
Alternatively, check out the NHS parental mental health resources...
3 Steps For Identifying Limiting Beliefs & Taking Steps To Grow
Want to know why identifying limiting beliefs is the first step to changing your whole attitude and outlook on life?
This post will outline how to start identifying limiting beliefs in 3 simple steps so you can take action to challenge them and re-write the story that’s keeping you feeling stuck, feeding your anxiety and isolation, or telling you that you’re not worthy.
I’ve talked in a couple of blog posts now (like this one, or this one!) about how our perceptions create our reality. This is true in terms of both our conscious thoughts and subconscious thoughts.
Thoughts that show up repeatedly and that steal a lot of our energy and focus become ingrained within us as beliefs – whether consciously or subconsciously.
You might not even recognise a belief as being a belief – as in, something that can be changed or proven wrong – because it just feels like the cold hard truth.
Whether it’s that you’re unlucky in love, you can’t make any friends, nobody likes you, you’re an unhappy person, you’re bad with money… all of these are simply stories based on past experiences and emotions.
They may well reflect an experience you have had in the past, even multiple experiences you’ve had in the past, but the pitfall is in projecting the past onto your future and making it a part of your identity.
This is symptomatic of a fixed mindset. A fixed mindset makes it really difficult to grow and challenge yourself because you mentally shut yourself off from trying things. It makes everything feel pointless, rather than an exciting opportunity.
The truth is, you will grow and evolve as a person for the rest of your life. Don’t be tricked into thinking that you will stay the same forever and have no potential to change.
With this in mind, you can begin to look at the kinds of stories you tell yourself about your life and your capabilities, and start to identify where you might be conflating beliefs with the objective, unchangeable truth.
1. Pick one or two areas of your life that you are most unhappy with
Write the category/categories down on a piece of paper. Let’s use the example of love/relationships.
2. For this category, write down beliefs you have and see which ones fall into a “fixed mindset”
For example: I always go for people who are wrong for me, I will never meet somebody who is right for me, I have too much baggage for a relationship
These are all examples of beliefs which limit the opportunity for growth by dissuading you from taking action and being open to new experiences. Therefore, they are limiting beliefs.
Limiting beliefs are usually framed as objective facts and represent the problem as something that’s inherently wrong with you, rather than a product of your past experiences and emotions.
They tell a story that is ultimately disempowering you from adopting a mindset that will help you to achieve what you actually want. Limiting beliefs are not you – you are so much more than your limiting beliefs.
Another way to identify your limiting beliefs is to use the “fill in the blank” method, where you describe your situation out loud, for example “I’m not good enough for a relationship” and then add “because ____” after it, saying the first thing that immediately comes to your mind.
This will help you to figure out the limiting beliefs at the root of your disempowerment.
3. For each limiting belief, re-write an “unlimited” belief underneath it
Turn all of your limiting beliefs into “unlimited” beliefs – beliefs which are based on a growth mindset, the idea that you are always evolving and contain unlimited potential, and that make it possible and exciting for you to go out and pursue what you want.
For example, “I will never meet somebody who is right for me” becomes “there are countless wonderful people out there for me to get to know and explore our compatibility”.
Doesn’t that sound so much more exciting?
Re-writing the belief is a great starting point to identify the goal and begin to see what is possible. When working with clients, the next step in the process to overcoming limiting beliefs is to break down the specific limiting belief through a set of questions called Socratic questioning, where we begin to explore it in more depth.
This way, we can really begin to tackle the roots of the limiting belief and enable you to move on and find freedom.
Identifying limiting beliefs involves flexing your self-awareness muscles – getting really good at observing and understanding yourself in terms of your thought patterns, emotional responses, behaviours, etc.
This foundation of self-awareness is going to make it so much easier for you to start re-writing the stories that are holding you back and keeping you stuck in the same place.
It’s not easy to just simply change a belief that is deeply ingrained within you, but with the right tools and some practice, you have the power within you to change the game.
One really powerful way to re-write limiting beliefs is through working with a therapist or coach to start challenging them in a safe environment. The extra support can help you to feel able to try new things and take risks that you would ordinarily avoid.
Trying new things and seeing that it’s not as scary as you once thought, that the thought or fear of it was much more harmful than the thing itself, you can continue to challenge limiting beliefs and watch your life expand.
You will start to feel much freer and in control of your thoughts and beliefs, rather than the other way around.
If you’re ready to stop shrinking yourself down due to domineering limiting beliefs, and start seeing your incredible potential and believing that anything is possible, book in a Discovery call with me right here, and let’s work together to change the game for you.
Claire
Need some further support? Book a free 15 minute discovery call
or.. check out my therapy and coaching page
New Year Resolutions | Inspire You
Ah, New Years. It comes around quicker and quicker every year I swear. This year, the New Year celebrations are sort of overshadowed by everything else going on the world with the pandemic, restrictions, social distancing and more national lockdowns. It doesn’t have quite the same resonance and sense of renewal as it normally might, as we continue battling through another wave of Covid-19 and life stays stripped down to the bare essentials.
We can’t really hit the gym to finally start the journey to getting fit, or follow our dream of travelling more and seeing the world. But that doesn’t mean that self-care and self development are completely off the table! Of course, if all you do right now is just make it through the day, that is enough and you’re doing amazingly! Managing at Christmas and the festive period can be difficult enough without bringing that energy into the New Year when what you really need is rest and self-love!
It’s a really strange and difficult time, and nobody needs the extra added pressure of “New Year, New Me” culture, especially with the looming presence of social media and the spectacle. Goals, growth and development can be simple, subtle and internal too – they can be based on cultivating and rewiring our mindset and creating a calmer or more confident environment for ourselves to inhabit.
Sometimes, New Years resolutions are rooted in social and cultural ideals that are fundamentally problematic and can lead to unhealthy places and fixations on our appearance, social status and material things rather than mental and emotional flourishing.
I’m not trying to police anybody’s desires here – don’t feel guilty if you’re affected by social conditioning! Certain priorities are ingrained into us by society from the moment we can understand and absorb information, but this doesn’t mean we can’t stop and examine the roots of our self-development goals, recognizing unhealthy ideas and thought processes going forward. We can ask and explore: are our resolutions and goals stemming from the pursuit of true personal happiness and satisfaction? Or social acceptance and desirability?
How do we settle on a New Years resolution? How do we identify what it is that we value and what we would like to change? Through whose eyes are we attempting to view ourselves?
My ultimate advice is to set resolutions that are kind, reasonable and realistic – don’t put intense pressure and expectations on yourself to change drastically and quickly, especially right now with everything that’s going on in the world. Think instead about small changes and habits you can start to implement easily in order to make positive transformations, things such as:
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- Keeping a journal to externalize and explore your thoughts and feelings
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- Implementing positive affirmations either out loud or in your head to start shifting your self-perception
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- Being stricter about the things we buy, asking “do I really need this?” “can my money be better spent or saved?”
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- De-cluttering your home and clearing out the junk-drawers or the spare room where you keep everything you’ve ever owned
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- Spending a little less time on social media each day/week – you can keep track of this using the screen time feature on your phone
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- Finding ways to show the people in your life how much you appreciate them in a way that makes sense for you – we all have different communication styles, love languages and ways of saying “I love you” and “I care about you” whether it’s making and giving gifts, writing letters, setting aside some quality time (in person or on zoom)
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- Try something new in terms of self-care and development – frame it as a one-time thing so there’s no pressure to stick to it after you’ve tried it, maybe you’ll love it and carry on or never do it again but at least you’ve given it a go which was your resolution! Things like meditation, yoga, making a vision/manifestation board – instead of approaching it like its going to become a defining feature of your New Healthy Personality, just choose to explore it casually and see where it leads you
These are just a couple of ideas to help inspire you and demonstrate that resolutions can be gentle and low-key while still holding lots of potential for positive improvement and change.
Hopefully, this strange new year can bring a little bit of fresh energy and a benchmark of personal self-growth. Remember though, just getting through and managing the bare minimum of self care is what is important right now.
If you’d like to receive some extra support going into the New Year, you can book a discovery call with me right here – I’d love to chat and help you on your journey to a more positive and empowered state of emotional wellbeing.
Much love and festive cheer to you all!
Claire
🙂